Rosary0fSighs

Yikes it's been a long time since I've updated! I hope everyone reading this is well and surviving the stress of the end of year maelstrom O_o 

I haven't logged in for a while (uni and work have been busy and I've been very unwell, but am working hard with my treating team to get back on track) - so it was a lovely surprise to find I was given another DD on my recent poem 'How to Paint Yourself Depressed'

How to Self-DestructChapter 1 -
Allow a slip of the tongue now and then when nobody's looking,
snatch the truth back up and bury it in your pocket
to tumble crumpled into a collection of inky snowflakes in the wash.
Find them again and feel bitter that no one saw their truth.
Cut your heart into breadcrumbs,
spread out for wild animals and left-over the earth,
part of you hoping someone will follow.
Try not to care when they scatter it to the birds.
Hide behind braids of flowers in the garden back,
listen with breath baited for hurried footsteps and searching hands -
a solo game of Marco Polo.
Miss a beautiful afternoon
whispering "I'm here"
choosing to be lost and losing moments.
Maybe one day you’ll find yourself instead.
Hush your heartbeat like a monk's.
Imagine eating monkshood and monkeyhead mushrooms
until it’s quiet for good.
Cross the interstate line that separates dreamtime from the world,
curse the violence of longing for a different life.
Hang a vacant sign over the n

I've been invited, along with other writers, to discuss the process of writing this in the CRLiterature chat room on the 15th of December at 11am-1pm Pacific Time (5am on the 16th of December for me heheh): you're more than welcome to join  (convert that to your local time here if you're interested)

DD Discussion on November 10Have you been to one of our Daily Deviation Discussions yet?  Here's what you've been missing!
It's nice to discuss nuances which aren't immediately obvious based on one's experience and reading of the piece. - neurotype-on-discord
Aside from the overall welcoming, and friendly nature of the chat, I enjoyed getting a chance to be exposed to the thought processes that take place, and how other people tend to approach the material they read in real-time, and in general. I also enjoyed discovering what goes on in the writer's mind, which highlights the nature of what goes into a piece of writing, and what is brought to it by a reader, and how both sharing their ideas at once can really enhance the interpretation and meaning of a piece, which is so often layered. - Moonbeams
You get to have a different type of discussion in a chat format, rather than a
^ journal about previous CRLiterature chats. 

Otherwise in life update, I'm getting more involved with volunteering with Amnesty International, and hoping to get involved with some research projects at my university next year, so we'll see how that goes. I had a lovely (brief) trip to Tasmania for a conference, and saw a MAGICAL pod of dolphins that kept surrounding the boat and leaping (which I took a lot of videos of - they were so fast!, and some wombats with their baby joeys in their pouches! Wombat babies are very very cute   

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Happy New Year!!

I hope everyone had a safe holiday break

General life update: 2017 was a seriously difficult year for me with relapses of psychotic depression, but my mental and physical health started to really deteriorate in the last few months, and I was hospitalised again in November after a serious relapse of anorexia. I was medically stabilised and eventually transferred to a mental health unit in early December. I spent part of Xmas in the ward, but was given four hours of leave by the hospital staff to spend with family (which was great of them).

My sister and my parents visited as much as they could which made the world of difference. It was hard not to feel guilty and awful about the impact it's had them, and how much I've scared them to have relapsed so badly again. I couldn't be there for my uni break-up Christmas party, and a peer visited me with a kind of mini Christmas tree made out of pine cones and red wooden flowers, and a card signed by other Masters classmates, which was the loveliest, unexpected surprise. 

I was discharged in time for New Years (hell yeah!), and my heart, kidneys, bloods, and general physical condition are in better shape. As always, though, being in hospital takes its toll - as necessary as it is, there are always a lot of issues that come with it. It was weeks of 24/7 constant care supervision (very painful and frustrating), three weeks of constant bedrest (painful), fluid restrictions to prevent hyponatremia (frustrating and missing coffee and tea like anything), three and a half weeks of NG feeding to prevent refeeding syndrome (painful and uncomfortable), daily ECGs (hate them), multiple injections, IVs, multiple daily blood sugar pricks (irritating), and the endless noise, aggression, stress of the wards. It's a strange state of being, because part of the illness is not understanding how ill you are when you physically and mentally don't feel unwell, even while medical professionals are telling you your body is literally shutting down. So all you can really feel is that you don't need to be there, and you want to leave. 

Of all of it though, what I often found most stressful (aside from the actual mental illnesses) and aside from the invasiveness of constant supervision (which is particularly hard for me when I get so paranoid and have sensory issues) - was the stigmatising, bigoted and ignorant comments from some staff members. I've been in so many hospitals, and I always find it hard, I find it hard every time. It makes things so much harder. A number of staff apologised immediately after making insensitive and stigmatising comments after I became distressed and would later ask me to explain why, but many of them have been working as mental health nurses for decades, and it really still astounds me. There were four nurses in particular, though - two on the medical ward, and two on the mental health ward that really helped me. All of the four of them spent the hours of their constant care shifts with me treating me with compassion and humour, and allowing me dignity and respect and acknowledging my human-ness. I think so many nurses just get completely burnt-out and desensitised. I think it's why every hospital is so similar. This hospital was better than most, but it was still a very distressing few weeks.  

There were also many beautiful, funny moments of laughter, and kindness and understanding between patients, and between staff and patients. I see the raw beauty of compassion every time I'm in the ward when we're in so much pain together. But there is also a lot of dehumanisation and being left alone. On the medical ward, there was a lovely nurse who was on constant care with me who just wanted to make me smile and showed me photos of her birds and puppies, and wanted to hear me sing (even with with feeding tube). When I would be curled up in pain from refeeding or from the bruising of my body against the bed, nurses getting me heat-pack after heat-pack.
There was a lot of kindness in the mental health ward where I had been crying on the floor, unable to get up, and my favourite nurse came and sat on the floor with me and talked until he could help ease my distress and make me laugh. Another mental health nurse who told me she wanted to hear all about my illnesses and understand my experiences as much as she could. To understand my feelings for how mental illness has helped and hurt my university degree. She told me about her daughter who is on the autistic spectrum, and how she felt like she was "meant to talk to me tonight, conversations like this are a blessing and a privilege", and I could tell her it meant the world to me too. 

I'm hopeful for this year. I've been out for less than a week, and I'm still just relieved to have my autonomy back. I'm nervous about returning to uni, but I'm sure it'll feel good to be back.  

I'm incredibly grateful to have received another Daily Deviation for a poem: 

Ghost DebrisDespair crept a soft foot in the space between
the tip of lip, the liquid of my speech and tongue
a thief the weight of words
hidden in a melancholy laugh, in stolen sand trickling through an hourglass.
Sleepless draught of water,
grief swimming in my temporal lobe.
I have been here before -
I occupy this place damp and small,
throwing light away into corners.
Passion grown too raw to hold, I let it fall.
I hollow out this skull,
horrify my reflection with the dark mote of my eyes,
sunken as a grave
robber finding only clay where head or stone should lie.
Grim molar smile and solar eclipse,
every blink a mortal footprint of demise
reaped clods of earth sticking to his boots.
I raise my weary bones to refresh the day with the wealth of possible realities
an epitaph of fantastical mutterings and avoidance.
My heart murmurs its everyday fatalities
As I create my pain -
jamais vu of suffering,
renovated weakness in extreme.
Pool what goodness in this body remains,
I cup my hands and drink

and second place in the Helper's contest for 

NacozariHeartbeat in his mouth
red and explosive as flame flicker
amber sparks, trickling life blood -
pulse ticking in time with odometer
outrunning and running to unfolding disaster.
Silver lines alight with scarlet fire
gelignite erupts supernova flares
echoes felt thousands of moments and
10 miles away.
Metal turned to liquid magma
headstone embraced.
Life burned bright and fast
a meteor to earth, then sudden darkness.
Name emblazoned on the sign of street corners
sacrificial lambs mourned on tracks with
hands over hearts and
eyes damp with love
silent town with heads bowed
in honor.<da:thumb id="723223188"/>

Over this past year, uni and illness has meant I have been writing occasionally but not as much as I used to. In hospital it helped a lot to write, so when I have emotional space to process it, I'll post the poetry I wrote. 

How was everyone's break? Were there highlights for you? Goals or resolutions (or intentions not to make them this year?)

I've been very scarce of late, but life update! 
I've started studying Masters in Psychology Unfortunately it means a lot of travel as I no longer live close to the university, and the travel means inflaming some psychotic symptoms, but I'm managing so far Ecstatic being back studying what I love, and hoping to stay well enough to power through. 
We're a small bunch of students, but everyone has really diverse interest areas and ideas. There have been some fantastic discussions already. 

My UK trip with my sister: Scotland broke our hearts. Often fantasising about moving there, especially with our last heat wave here  

My partner has two adorable cats, and I have one adorable bird haha. We're forever showing each other cute videos and gifs of birds and cats.

The best part of Black Sails was always Charles

I drink so much lemonade, at this point my bloodstream is probably 80% bubbles.

Hope everyone is well! 
Xxxxxx 

Haven't updated in a very long time! Since getting out of hospital I had a few months of recovery, which meant spending some time with family which was actually really nice. So health and restoration before moving back to Brisbane with my awesome housemate I love where I live, so it's been a really nice change

I was honoured to be invited to do a guest lecture at my local university on the traumatic effects of mental health system on psychiatric patients and stigma within the mental health system. It was a wonderful (and anxious) experience. The lecture was to a mix of medical, psychology, paramedic, and mental health nursing students, and feedback was positive, so the recording of it will be used again as part of the curriculum next year

I also got a beautiful little bird His name is Pastel. His family could no longer keep him, and I saw his ad on Gumtree, and fell in love. He loves eating carrot, apple, mixed seed, and millet spray, and nibbling my hair. He can say "I love you" and make an impressive variety of sounds, including siren-like sounds, general birdy chatter and R2-D2-like sounds. Which is kind of fitting, because our next-door neighbours actually have a full-body C3P0 cosplay suit  Pastel's beak is light orange with a gorgeous lilac band above it. He's very sweet and cheeky. He likes sitting on my hand while I drink my tea and trying to drink from it too. And also nibbling on the side of my water bottle when I'm drinking from it which makes me laugh/cough/choke. He also likes swinging so hard on his swing or doing acrobatics off of it that one side of it will come off and need to be re-hooked. 

My sister and I are travelling to England and Scotland at the end of the month very excited. I'm also going to get to meet some online friends from London and EdinB that I've known for years and years but never before met in person, so I really can't wait for that. Otherwise I'm mostly doing study and have the occasional shift in the mental health ward at the local hospital, which I love doing. I'm usually helping out with art therapy.  
Hope everyone is doing well

  

I hope everyone had a happy new year and a merry season!
I'm sorry not to have been active lately. I was hospitalised again for the last few weeks.
Sadly I spent weeks, the Christmas period, and Christmas in hospital with an NG tube down my throat and stomach (pain), (waste of life), but awesomely, was released just in time for New Year's!
So I got to welcome the new year in outside of the hospital walls I'm still so happy about being out.
I'm re-adjusting to life, recovering, and feeling stronger than I was, but still on shaky ground.
Hopefully this year is much better and happier
I might upload some poetry and photography later on when I've settled back home.
I hope 2016 is heralding exciting changes for everyone. much love